Articulate and Bright and Clean and a Nice-Looking Guy

Dear Sir or Madam,

I would like to be considered for the narcotics trafficker position listed on Craigslist on May the 13th.  After reviewing my resume you may conclude that my experience designing marketing materials for the largest bar on the East Coast might not qualify me to carry baggies of powder cocaine in my rectum.  However, I have three very important points to make that could change your mind. 

1. I have a great work ethic.  I haven't taken a full sick day in over three years and I don't plan to anytime soon.  When I'm trafficking your drugs I promise you that from supplier to nose, they will be my top priority, morning, noon and night.
2. I have some connections in the comic book industry.   They are notorious coke fiends, didn't you know?  Coke and whores.
3. I would kill my best friend for a thousand dollars.  That's no hyperbole.  I would kill my best friend for a thousand dollars.  Imagine what you could do with a man like that in your organization.  For one thing, I'd be excellent for mice and termite control.

Mr Rivera, I know you have many candidates for this position but I want you to take a chance on me.  I promise that your coke to cash ratio will skyrocket when you let me handle things-- just give me two weeks!  I look forward to hearing from you.

Regards,
John Smith

IN CASE YOU HADN'T HEARD

Ms. Jessica Myer and I are relocating to Austin, Texas in early June. The last day I will be in Maryland is Saturday, May the 31st, where we'll be saying adios at Plaza Tapatia at 7pm and then, later that night, Breaktime. If you're able to stop by, please, please do.

My schedule is about to be a lot more open, so hopefully I'll get a chance to update this a bit more often than I have in the last three or four years.